


trust no bitch

by rissi (fullhousecast)



Series: Tumblr Requests [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: """""implied""""", Dialogue Heavy, Gay Peter Parker, Implied Sexual Content, Iron Dad, M/M, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, it happened, spider son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 15:35:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14751603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullhousecast/pseuds/rissi
Summary: anonymous asked: please please write a fanfic about Karen tattling on Peter for whatever reason? These already exist but I love them and I love your writing--In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best idea to completely inform Karen of his sneaking-out plans.





	trust no bitch

“M’going out, May!” Peter called, grasping his keys in one hand and the doorknob in another.

 

“What?” He heard May’s muffled voice from her bedroom. 

 

“I’m going out!” He repeated, desperate to leave the apartment before his aunt started interrogating him.

 

Her bedroom door swung open, revealing May wearing her favorite pajama set and her best ‘I-am-extremely-cranky-and-tired” look. “It’s ten at night, Peter! Where are you going? You know you’re supposed to be done with patrol and in bed by now.”

 

“I’m not going out to patrol.” He let go of the knob. “I’m spending the night at MJ’s.”

 

May relaxed at that. “Okay, that’s fine. No boys’ll be there, right?”

 

Peter rolled his eyes.  _ “No,  _ May. Just me and MJ. We’re going to get matcha in the morning.”

 

“Okay.” She stopped, looking him up and down. “Are you not bringing clothes for tomorrow? I wouldn’t recommend going out in those shorts- it’s gonna be cold in the morning.”

 

Peter glanced down at his shorts that,  _ wow _ , admittedly made him look like a bit of a hoe. “Good point. I’ll grab jeans.”

__

 

Okay, Peter  _ totally  _ lied. He definitely wasn’t going to MJ’s- at least, not yet.

 

He had pulled on the suit after he left. It wouldn’t have been a good idea to walk around the streets of Queens in nothing but a pair of Soffees and a thin T-shirt.

 

“Good evening, Peter!” Karen greeted as he tugged his mask over his head. “It’s past ten. Why are you out patrolling?”

 

“I’m not patrolling.” Peter vaulted over a building. “I’m going out.”

 

“Where are you going?” She asked.

 

Peter grinned beneath his mask, chewing his lip. “Seeing a boy.”

 

“Oh?” Karen somehow sounded cheeky. “And do you like this boy?”

 

His smile widened. “I do. I really do.”

 

It didn’t occur to him until later that Karen wasn’t asking just to make conversation.

__

 

When Peter snuck out of his boyfriend’s house at 1 AM, he had a bounce in his step and a smirk on his face. He stepped into an alley to throw his suit back on, wincing at the exertion that the action caused. He was thoroughly tired out.

 

“Karen,” he said once he was completely suited up. “Any new texts from MJ?”

 

“None. Would you like me to send her something for you?” the AI offered. 

 

“Yeah, uh-” he blushed- “Just have it say…”

 

Karen was silent, awaiting the contents of the message as Peter hesitated.

 

“Damn it. Have it say; ‘Late night dick appointment successful. Heading over now. We still on for matcha in the morning?’ That’s it. Send.”

 

“Done.” Karen didn’t say anything else as Peter webbed his way to MJ’s.

__

 

MJ was laying on her bed when Peter crawled through her window. Peter could sense the excitement piercing through her level, stoic exterior. He wiggled his eyebrows at her as he slapped at the spider emblem on his chest, causing the suit to loosen and fall to the floor.

 

“There’s my little thot.” She cracked, and a grin spread across her face. She grabbed his hand and pulled him onto the bed. “How was it?”

 

Peter lied down next to her, snuggling into her side. “Really? ‘How was it’? You know damn well I’m about to tell you every little thing that happened.”   
  


She clapped her hands together. “Dope.”

__

 

Peter headed to the compound after he and MJ finished their matcha the next morning.

 

He entered the lab to find Tony sitting at one of the tables, a few blank holograms pulled up as he typed away at his phone. He nodded at Peter as acknowledgement. “Plug in your suit, I’m cutting down the number of webshooter configurations.”

 

“Thank God.” Peter pulled the suit out of his bookbag and hooked it up, watching as the holograms filled with data.

 

Tony pulled up the ‘webshooter’ module, making note of which combinations could be eliminated. “You do anything yesterday, or was it just another night of building trash computers?”

 

Peter turned his head before Tony could see his face flush. He smiled despite himself. “I spent the night at MJ’s. We got tea earlier.”

 

He didn’t expect Karen to be the one to respond. “You were also at a boy’s house until 1:15 AM,” she chirped.

 

Tony startled, his hand jerking and accidentally scrolling halfway down the list.

 

Peter was in disbelief. “No, I  _ wasn’t! _ ” he insisted, much too quickly. He dared a peek at Tony. He looked  _ pissed.  _

 

“Yes, you were.”

 

“I wasn’t!”

 

“Text to Michelle Jones at 1:18 AM.”  _ Oh, fuck.  _ “‘Late night dick appointment successful. Heading over now. We still on for matcha in the morning?’ I index all calls and messages.”

 

Peter was horribly choked up. Tony’s eyes were widened to a comical extent, lips pressed in a tight line. He stared pointedly at Peter, arms crossed.  _ I’m about to be thrown out of a window,  _ he thought miserably.

 

The AI broke the silence. “I’m programmed to negate any falsehoods or fabrications that you direct towards Mr Stark. It’s for your own good, Peter.” She didn’t sound very apologetic.

 

More silence, and then:  _ “Dick appointment?’  _ Really?” Tony was using his  _ ‘are-you-actually-fucking-messing-with-me’  _ voice.

 

“Uh, yeah?” Peter answered, weakly.  _ I will uninstall you, you fake bitch,  _ he mentally threatened Karen.

 

“So-” Tony rubbed his temple with the heel of his hand- “Not only did you not tell me you have a boyfriend, you’re also sneaking out to ‘dick appointments’?” He finished his rant with air quotes.

 

Peter cringed. “Please stop saying ‘dick appointment’.”

 

“Your words, not mine.” Tony sighed. “Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing someone? I could’ve been helping you plan dates and shit. Oh, and congrats, by the way.”

 

“Thanks. We haven’t really had an official date,” Peter explained. “We’ve only…”

 

“Had dick appointments?” Tony offered, looking like he was holding back a laugh.

 

“Stop.”

 

“No.”

 

“I will  _ leave.”  _

 

“Okay, okay! Sorry.” Tony let the laugh dissolve. “So, no date yet, huh?”

 

Peter shrugged. “Nope.”

 

Tony shook his head as he turned his attention back to the webshooter configurations. “That’s not gonna fly with me, kid.”

__

**Author's Note:**

> this was such a fun story to write! thanks to whoever requested it ^^  
> fic requests are open on my [tumblr!](https://iron-arachnid.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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